Another thing was told that there are some minor students also involved in this act. Can any of you imagine your kids getting involved in such kind of act? But deep inside, we are also responsible for both, our kids getting abused and our minor kids turning to crime!
I will take the first case of kids getting abused, how often you talk to your kids about what they have done in school or how and who are their friends? If you do this talk regularly, its good, and chances are that your kid will tell you the day he/she will be approached by someone. But in today’s life of nuclear family, and both parents working, they hardly get time for their kids. This prevents kids to speak up to their parents about any issue. A communication gap is created between parents and kids! Take the current case for example, kids mother did not suspect or know with her three kids molested for more than a year! Also, do you think that other kids travelling on the same van were not molested? They may not come forward due to bad publicity, but there must be some more such cases.
We have to spend time with our kids, and it should be a well thought good time, not just “hmm” type of responses to their talk, while doing something else. Kids need someone who can answer their questions, if we as parent don’t answer it, they will reach out to someone outside, who may take advantage of our kids.
We have to monitor our kids as well! Freedom and privacy is good on paper, but I don’t think kids are mature enough to handle privacy. We need to monitor their activities, friends, reading and watching habits to understand and control what they should not get exposed to. I have seen people taking their kids to watch “3 Idiots” movie. You may ask, why not? It was a good movie!
Correction, it was a good movie for Adults, and not for kids! If you have shown this movie to your kids, you have exposed them to various things which they should not know now – Suicide, plus suicide on failure in academics! Rape and Nipples as funny thing! I did not let my kids what this movie, but thanks to our TV channels, who don’t follow any code of conduct and censorship. My kids saw the promos of “3 Idiots” and promo features the rape dialogue. He asked me about rape, as he don’t know it yet. I explained the ragging which happens in school or maybe in real life as rape to him. He once asked me why people joke and laugh about first night after wedding. That was a difficult question as well, and it came from some movies, as he saw girl waiting on flowery bed, where friends are holding the groom, joking and laughing about. I got away with the answer that as we have arrange marriage, where bride and groom never get to meet and talk, so they look forward to meet each other, where others tease them by holding.
So, my kids are coming up such difficult questions, gathered out of TV, comics, movies etc, but atleast they have me to ask and get a suitable answer according to their age. I am sure all kids should be having similar questions. But do our working parents get time for their kids, so that their kids can comfortably ask these questions to them?
You have to play with your kids, make them feel comfortable with you, mix with you, and open to you so that they can ask anything. Also, never ever shut your kids on asking questions. Their questions may be difficult for you, but if you don’t answer them, they will stop asking you. This means they will try to find someone else around them, who they can trust and get some answers. Also, the more you communicate with your kids, more you know about them. And believe me, the time you spend with them is worth every second of your life! This time is not going to come back, and once they grow up, you will miss them as kids! So, make the most of your time with them now!
So, whatever I have written above means communicating with your kids, right? Why waste lot of space on writing just this? Well, the basic need is to communicate with your kids. But you need to know what to communicate as well. There are few things you need to know, on what/how to tell your kids about sexual abuses and how to encourage them to prevent/report immediately.
- Talk a lot about their day, what they have done in school, park etc
- Assure them again and again that they can tell anything to you. I never punish my kids for telling the truth, so they don’t hide anything to me.
- Always remember, when you talk about sexual abuse, make sure you are not scaring them. Kids should not panic; otherwise they will be over cautious with everyone around them. It will impact their normal growth. Let them know the dos and don’ts without getting them into any fear.
- Teach your kids about different parts of the body. Explain them about cleaning these parts, like hair needs shampoo and oil, nails needs to be cut regularly etc. You can proceed further in this conversation to specify private parts. Tell your kids that its not appropriate for anyone to touch someone else’s private parts, even for close friends.
- Lead by example, and do not show over affection (you know what I mean) with your spouse in front of your kids. If, by any chance kids touch your private parts, which is very normal in their early years, don’t just ignore that touch. Tell them firmly that it is inappropriate to do so, and not to repeat again, with anyone.
- Tell your kids to report to you immediately in case someone tries to touch them inappropriately or tell them something which is not appropriate. This may result into lots of other complains like students calling them names etc, but be patience and listen to their small problems. Talk to them, try to sort out things. But you should never put the entire blame of things on your kid. You need to explain why its their fault, and explain it logically, so that they understand and choose the right path. If they always get blame on them, they will stop talking about their problems to you.
- Of course, tell them not to talk to strangers, not to take anything from strangers, even from unknown kids as well.
- You should meet their friends, even ask your kids to invite friends at home. Just keep an eye discreetly, so that you know his peer group. If you think something is inappropriate, talk to them and explain why and how its wrong.
- You need to be vigilant for any signs of sexual abuse as well. If child is getting nightmares, sudden change in behaviour, bruising etc, you need to understand what’s going on with their life.
The above are just few pointers, but you need to be more open, vigilant and careful with your kids. Parenting is not an easy task, and there is no simple 1-2-3 formula to do it. You keep on investing new things everyday. Some of my friends told me that its not easy to talk to kids about these things, and asked for some advice. I can give some tips below:
- Start talking to your kids about body safety when they are very young.
- Use an easy thing for your child to understand, such as telling them, "Your private parts are the parts that are covered by your bathing suit. Nobody should be touching you in these areas." Explain that sometimes the doctor has to look at your private parts to make sure you are healthy, but mommy (or daddy) will be there with you.
- Tell them about appropriate touching, such as Mommy and Daddy helping with bathing, or helping when they go potty.
- Let them know that it is okay to tell, even if the person tells them not to, or that something bad will happen to them if they do.
But always remember, its you who has to come up with situations to talk to your kids, and be prepared for the difficult questions. You should be creative to answer the questions. But still, there may be some direct or indirect questions, which you cannot answer. So, you also need to explain your kids on their age, and what is appropriate according to their age.
Tell them that in their study, they gradually go into learning more complex stuff on the same subject. They learn the easy part of maths, then in the next class, a little complex part. They cannot just start solving math questions of higher classes, they need to wait for few years, till they grow up and reach to that level, step by step. Once they are clear about this logic, explain the same logic to them, about books, magazines, TV series, movies etc. You should let them watch only shows which are appropriate for them. I never let my kids watch Bigg Boss, but KBC is all ok. So, make sure you are in control of what they are watching or reading. Not forcefully, but by explaining them that they will watch it once they are of appropriate age. I let my son watch Superman movies, but not Smallville, as its for teens and above. So, my son knows, and accepts this. I know that if I force him not to watch it, he will try to watch it somewhere else or behind my back. This is the last thing you want, that your child is hiding something from you. My daughter wanted a book which was a teenager love story. I explained her that she is not yet ready for that book, and she agrees to wait till she is old enough to get that. I do allow them to watch a lot of cartoons, bring them comics (well, comics are my fav too), games etc, so they know that its not a regular restructure on everything, but only on certain things which are not appropriate for them as of now. Still there are peer pressure, all of their friends have watched “3 Idiots” , and they wanted to watch it too. I had a hard time explaining that its not correct for their friends as well, and if their parents are not restricting them, its not a good thing. Finally, after a lot of counter arguments, I was able to convince them about it. But now if I look back to that, I loved that conversation. Similarly, check on IMDB for parental guidance before you let them watch any English movie. Make sure its appropriate for them. I don’t trust our censor board, so for U certified movies in hindi also, we (me and my wife) watch to confirm if its ok for the kids. Then we let them watch it. Same goes for TV, never let them watch these reality shows. Discovery or NetGeo are good, then its Cartoon Network/Pogo/Disney. But keep an eye on the cartoons they are watching, as there are some Japanese cartoon dubbed in hindi / English, and these are not at all good for kids. Also, Animax is not a kids channel, so everything animation is not appropriate for kids. Again, I have not let my kids watch “Roadside Romeo”, which was promoted as kids movie. It was a love story, with lust for a kiss, and I don’t think kids are ready for that.
Similarly, I let my kids go on internet as well, but its restricted. They are not allowed to use chat or mail. I have custom browser (KidZui) which opens up when they log in, and only allow selected websites. Apart from this, I also have ek9 parental control software installed, which never allow them to go anywhere they are not supposed to. Let me also tell you, these soft wares are good, and free for personal use.
I think this article has gone a little longer than expected. So, I need to end this here. Before I close, always remember, it takes just few minutes of sex to become parents, but it takes a lifetime to raise your kids properly!
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